TWO WOMEN BITCHED ABOUT ME ON LINKEDIN.

I opened my laptop to post on LinkedIn and instead I got punched in the face by a post that was clearly about me, just disguised enough to be deniable. You know the type. Written like it is "just a thought" or "just a comment" or "just something I have noticed," but somehow it manages to describe your exact situation and your exact behaviour in a way that makes you feel like you have been dragged without your name ever being mentioned.

It is such a sneaky little move because if you call it out, you look dramatic. If you ignore it, you swallow it. And if you respond emotionally, you become the story.

My first instinct was instant. I wanted to call it out. Not in a polite, professional, LinkedIn-approved way either. In a, do not pretend this is anything other than what it is, kind of way. And I did. I commented on the post and I named it for what it was. Mean girl moves.

And then I deleted it.

Not because I was wrong. I was right. I could feel how obvious it was and I still think it was fair to call it out. I deleted it because I knew exactly where that comment came from inside me. It came from reactiveness. It came from heat. It came from that place where your nervous system is driving the car and your values are in the boot. And I do not want to operate from there anymore.

I do not want to build my business, my reputation, or my relationships from that place. I do not want to be the woman who either stays silent and simmers or goes scorched earth. I want to respond like the version of me I actually respect.

But even after I deleted it, it stuck with me. Not just that post, but the bigger question it triggered. This is not a one off. This is a pattern. And it made me properly wonder if the mean girl mentality is still alive and well.

I had to think about it for a whole nano second before the answer came back as a huge yes.

Not just because I have seen it aimed at me, but because if I am honest, I have had my own mean girl moments too. I've made bitchy comments and "insider" jokes. Deciding who someone is without ever actually checking. This is not a victim statement. I am not pretending I am innocent and everyone else is the problem. I am trying to understand why we do this, because we do.

So what makes women tear other women down, especially when you genuinely did not do anything to them?

Science time.

Humans are wired for belonging in a nervous system, survival-level way. Being included feels safe. Being excluded feels like danger. There is research showing social rejection activates the brain in ways that overlap with pain processing, which is why being iced out or shaded can feel sharp even when nothing "big" happened. The body reacts. Stress response kicks in. We become more alert and more defensive.

When people feel that internal discomfort, the brain goes looking for a story. If someone else's confidence, visibility, or momentum pokes at their own insecurity, it creates a sting. Not because you harmed them, but because you triggered comparison. And comparison is a savage sport.

Instead of dealing with that feeling honestly, some people flip it into judgement. The discomfort becomes a label. She is too much. She thinks she is better than everyone. Once that label exists, behaviour follows. Little digs. Cool distance. Quiet undermining. Commentary. This is where the mean girl often lives. Not in real conflict with real communication, but in a story built to soothe someone else's discomfort.

Psychology calls the sideways style of this relational aggression. The reputation hits, the exclusion, the gossip dressed as concern, the subtle digs that come wrapped in plausible deniability. And it often happens without a conversation because direct conversation is vulnerable. You might be wrong. You might be challenged. You might have to own your feelings. Indirect behaviour avoids that and still gives emotional release.

Also gossip bonds people. "Did you see what she did?" creates instant alliance. It is cheap connection, but when people feel lonely or unsure, cheap connection is tempting.

Scarcity makes all of this worse. Not just money. Time, energy, recognition, support, community. When it feels like there is not enough, the brain goes zero sum. If she is winning, I am losing. Scarcity does not make people evil. It makes them narrower and more protective.

And most of us are carrying a ridiculous load. Business, kids, home, mental load, emotional labour. Under that load, humans default to shortcuts. We assume intent. We protect ego. We lash out or we withdraw. People do things they would not be proud of when they are regulated and resourced because they are neither of those things.

None of this is an excuse. It is an explanation. Those are not the same.

The silver lining is that these behaviours are not fixed traits. They are context-driven responses. When women feel safer, less isolated, and more supported, other women stop feeling like threats. When belonging is real and there is room for more than one woman to take up space, the sideways shots lose fuel.

So yes, the mean girl is alive and well but she doesn't need to be.

And that is why I deleted my comment. Not because I did not see what was happening, and not because I did not have the right to name it. I deleted it because I refuse to become the exact thing I am trying to dismantle. I want to be the kind of woman who can see it, understand it, and choose differently. Not perfectly. Just deliberately.

Also, go fuck yourself to the two women who wrote it. I will start being a better version of myself on Monday. I couldn't possibly start on a Sunday.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk 🩷💙

Sandra x